I know you.
I guess I should say I knew you.
It seems like a lifetime ago. Poor guy. I’m so sorry. You look so scared and so blank. So utterly confused.
Since I’ve begun sharing how I went from a being a pastor to being hospitalized in a psych ward, people often ask about my recovery. Everyone wants to know, is there a single solution? Where does the magic lie? How do they get their own lives (or their loved ones’) back? Or, as others have said, “What is the one thing that made you want to start living again?”
I was fourteen when my Aunt Missy killed herself. It was the last day of June in Alabama when a police car pulled up to our new house, which was still under construction. I remember how hot those 2×4’s were, as they baked in the sun. Per the officer’s instructions, we loaded up in the minivan and drove down the hill to the fire station where my dad worked, so Mom could call her parents. Very few people had cell phones yet, and my Momma wasn’t one of them. I’ll never forget the way she screamed, “My sister!” as she dropped the grey receiver and it swung out and slammed back against the concrete wall, there in the lobby of Fire Station #1.
I’m not called to have it all figured out. I’m not called to have wise words or answers or certainty. I’m called to use what I have, my weaknesses, for the benefit of people around me.
For me, I often find myself writing more when I’m more keenly aware of my depression.
The moments where it’s harder to pick myself up, when I’m fighting the hardest against the lies of my head, these moments are usually followed by moments when I feel like what I’m writing is worthwhile. In my hardest times, I know what I need to hear. And if I truly believe that you’re not alone in your struggles, then I must believe it for myself as well. This means that the things I need to hear are probably things that someone else needs to hear too.
Maybe in my weakest moments, I’m the most useful for God because I know I can’t do it.
I’ve always thought of myself as a Tigger, and so has everyone else. But being Tigger all the time comes with a lot of pressure. (Because he’s the only one.) So what do you do when you are typically a Tigger, but are having a down day like Eeyore or a grumpy day like Rabbit?