9. I’m a little squeamish about “girl stuff.” I couldn’t handle talking to a woman about a “bleeding problem.”
10. I’d heal Peter’s mother-in-law, but don’t bring mine to me. I’ve got limits.
11. Remember when Jesus raised the widow’s son? I’d do it, but I’d totally need a smoke machine and pyrotechnics, just to set the mood.
12. Okay, lower the crippled guy through the ceiling, but when I heal him, he’s got to moonwalk out of there. Healing ain’t free.
13. If one of my homies found money in a fish’s mouth, that ain’t going to pay taxes. We’re headed to Chick-Fil-A. They’re Christians, you know.
14. Jesus overturned tables in the temple. I’d give everybody on TBN a case of the walking farts on live television.
15. Can we talk about the severed ear in the Garden of Gethsemane? I would have re-attached it somewhere like the elbow. Nobody would forget that night.
16. Jesus used the terms, “brood of vipers” and “whitewashed tombs” for the Pharisees of his day. I’d call Jerry Falbad, Jr. something that would make my little Baptist Grandma blush the deepest shade of red you’ve ever seen.
Steve Austin is an author, speaker, and life coach who is passionate about helping overwhelmed people learn to catch their breath. He is the author of two Amazon bestsellers, "Catching Your Breath," and "From Pastor to a Psych Ward." Steve lives with his wife and two children in Birmingham, Alabama.
VIDEO: The spiritual hero who was depressed and desperate
Finding God in Stillness
How a Simple Hug Changed My Life
Why I’m Trying Out Church Again for the First Time
Life is hard, and then you die.
Peace, Be Still: Finding Hope in the Midst of Anxiety
Jesus was a Zombie? The Death and Resurrection of My Faith
Love will Never Vote You Out