24 Ways I Know I'm Not Jesus

I’m not Jesus. And for good reason.

24 Ways I Know I'm Not Jesus

  1. Every time I try to walk across the neighborhood pool, my shoes get wet.
  2. If I could turn water into wine, I would never turn off the faucet.
  3. If I had the power to make a fig tree wither, I would totally zap my neighbor’s yard. Just for fun.
  4. There is no way I’d be caught mixing spit with mud to smear on somebody’s face. I can barely handle my two-year-old’s snotty nose.
  5. If I could do magic, it wouldn’t be multiplying loaves and fishes. I’d have a chain of Italian restaurants and a watermelon stand with an endless supply!
  6. My life lessons don’t come from stories about buried money or some rich farm dude. I’d talk about gay guys at gas pumps and cutting my foot on a dead catfish.
  7. I would not have been born in a manger with some smelly cows. At a minimum, Motel 6, please and thank you. They say they’ll leave the light on for me. (Guess they missed the memo...I AM the Light of the World.)
  8. I don’t do demons. Or caves. Or pigs.

(Hint: Click CONTINUE)


9. I’m a little squeamish about “girl stuff.” I couldn’t handle talking to a woman about a “bleeding problem.”

10. I’d heal Peter’s mother-in-law, but don’t bring mine to me. I’ve got limits.

11. Remember when Jesus raised the widow’s son? I’d do it, but I’d totally need a smoke machine and pyrotechnics, just to set the mood.

12. Okay, lower the crippled guy through the ceiling, but when I heal him, he’s got to moonwalk out of there. Healing ain’t free.

13. If one of my homies found money in a fish’s mouth, that ain’t going to pay taxes. We’re headed to Chick-Fil-A. They’re Christians, you know.

14. Jesus overturned tables in the temple. I’d give everybody on TBN a case of the walking farts on live television.

15. Can we talk about the severed ear in the Garden of Gethsemane? I would have re-attached it somewhere like the elbow. Nobody would forget that night.

16. Jesus used the terms, “brood of vipers” and “whitewashed tombs” for the Pharisees of his day. I’d call Jerry Falbad, Jr. something that would make my little Baptist Grandma blush the deepest shade of red you’ve ever seen.

24 Ways I Know I'm Not jesus

17. If I was Jesus, out of your belly would flow rivers of sweet tea and buttermilk cornbread. Hallelujah!

18. About that whole crucifixion thing….I’d talk things over with my Pops and get Him to reconsider. Instead of the cross, I’d issue something similar to Abraham Lincoln’s “Emancipation Proclamation” and we’d call it good.

19. Remember the time when Jesus told the Disciples to throw the nets over to the other side of the boat? I’d sponsor a kid on the Bassmasters tournament and we’d break every record they ever had!

20. I wouldn’t have shared the limelight with Lazarus. Everyone has their time to go. And I would have missed him, but that whole coming back from the dead thing was my gig.

21. Speaking of limelight, that whole transfiguration thing...why would Peter want to put up a tent? It is way too hot in the Middle East or Alabama to be living outside. I need AC! Could we at least borrow the Popemobile?

22. I wouldn’t have let that woman break a whole bottle of perfume to pour on my feet. That was a year’s wages! I freaked out when my toddler spilled an entire bottle of essential oils the other day.

23. They say Jesus followed the Levitical Law. Are you telling me the Son of GOD didn’t eat bacon? I promise you, if I’m going to sit at the right hand of God when I die, I’m stopping by Waffle House for bacon and eggs on my way out.

24. Jesus surrounded himself with 12 dudes. Heck no. My entourage would have at least included Mary Magdalene. Dudes stink, especially traipsing around the desert for three years.

What would you list for #25? Leave it in the comments!

*Portions of this piece were contributed by my dear friend, Sarah Simmons. If you love beautiful words that encourage and inspire, check out Sarah's site at beautifulbetween.com


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